Friday, June 24, 2016

A new bend in the road... Holding space for myself...

Last night I embarked on a new adventure. I attended a workshop for people who want to improve their health and wellness, and live their best life.

I will not discuss anyone else's journey here but I will discuss my own.

When I first heard about this short course, this phrase  jumped out of the conversation "learning what your obstacles are and how to overcome them". It was like a beacon calling me to join the course.

Can I do this every week for 7 weeks? Can I afford it? Can I afford not to do it? There were many thought that tried to prevent me from saying yes, but I just felt so drawn to it. At the time I thought my health was pretty top notch and improving, so I knew it wasn't going to be about my health. 

Last night when I attended we went through some basics of plotting where certain things in our life are at, then we distilled it down to an area that needed to be and could be improved in the next 7 weeks.

When I realised what the one area I had to work on was me, there was a physical clunk inside of me, like something unlocked and turned me slightly... So I now had a new perspective and I could see just how much I have been putting myself on the back burner, just how much I have put everyone and everything ahead of me first, and how destructive and cruel I had been to do this to myself.

It hurt me to realise that I would never in my wildest dreams have imagined I could be so cruel to a person. That my husband had been right all along, but that our filters were different. He was right, I had not been taking care of myself... But not completely right... He meant physical beauty, I meant care of my spirit, should, and my poor heart. 

Many friends over the years have told me what a big heart I have, how generous I am with my love and time... I could never see it. How precious my love was for people and how deeply I cared... I knew something about how deeply I cared, mostly because I could feel the effect of the pain that I would feel when my feelings were hurt.

Last night, for the first time, I became aware, just a small glimpse at what my friends have been telling me... I do in fact have a big heart, and I love so deeply, and I don't mean just the type of love that we speak about between life partners. No, I mean I genuinely love people, my dearest friends know how much I love them, but most people in my life might not know, because if they did, they would run for the hills thinking me strange to express such deep affection. This is not some weirdo love, this is a deep feeling inside of me that says "we are all connected, when you hurt I hurt, when you are happy I am happy". 

In life, in spirit, there is only love, or the absence of love... 

How do I honour that? How do I honour who and what I am?...and do so Adequately? How do I undo all the bullshit I have done to myself? How do I stop feeling like I am not worth it? That I am not good enough to take on the task? How do I undo the habitual thinking that I am damaged goods? How do I mend my broken heart... Not broken because of the marriage breakdown, but broken because of all the suffering I have been party too, and not said "no" to. All the times I went into agreement with someone else's idea of how it should be instead of following my own inner voice? All the times I ignored my feelings about "this doesn't seem right or OK, or even legal?" All the times is just wanted to say "enough, that might be ok for you, but it is NOT ok for me, and I'm not doing it" and most importantly all the times I said "oh that's ok I guess I can try and go another time, I will do this for you now instead".  These are just some statements that pop into my mind...

 I let myself down in the most important areas of my life, and now I have to learn from it. I held myself responsible for things that had nothing to do with me, and were completely out of my control. All of this came up and to the fore, all in one foul moment that bare lasted a second, I just knew it. It all leaked out of my eyes. I wasn't actually crying, not like with large amounts of emotions attached, not yet anyway, it was just a physical reaction to what was taking place inside of me... 

So I learned that inside of me is this small girl who is lost and broken, and I need to be "big hands" for her. I need to hold space for her, I need to love her like she has never been loved before. I need to care for her, and teach her she is safe, and it is okay to not harden her heart, in fact it's critical she learns how to keep her soft heart and love as deeply as she was made to love. Someone, somewhere out there is a wonderful career, life partner, and lifestyle made just for her, waiting for her to grow enough to be able to live an amazing life... I just have to help her get there... If I can treat my inner child as my own daughter, I should be ok, in fact considering how amazing my own daughter has turned out, I suspect that my inner child is going to be more than ok...

So I hope to check in from time to time to touch base about this... I'm looking forward to this journey, a new bend in the road has begun, and I can't wait to see what lies ahead.... 

Thursday, June 23, 2016

New Thinking

Wednesday 23 June 2016

So I am looking at moving forward… not my trying to move away from what has been, or was, or even away from the lost potential of what might have been. But genuinely moving forward with my eyes fixed ahead…

What is it that I want for myself, and my kids, and what will that look like?
How can I make it happen?
I am on a journey and I have some amazing, insightful, helpful women with which to share the journey. I am so grateful for their help and support, and for trusting me with helping and supporting them, this is a very real privilege and I am enjoying myself a lot.

Sure I have tears - but what is change if you can't say goodbye to the old? And, somehow it seems fitting that change should hurt a little bit… pain is significant, and so is our journey - so let the tears flow, let the pain come, and let it go again. For the sun will shine in the morning and I will be ready anew with 

Tuesday 22 June 2016

So, while out on my run/walk this morning I discovered I *really* am like an onion ...
I have found the physical energy, when I challenge my body in exercise, pushes the energy into my spirit and I feel so uplifted. 
As the layers of physical baggage peel away from my body it helps me lose the emotional layers - making me lighter, stronger, fitter, shinier, newer and most of all energised and happy. Quietly confident.
Like an onion each new layer is shinier and newer and a little smaller.
I am packed with flavour.😀
I am deliciously when heated up. 😉
I compliment and contrast in dishes with other things in wonderful ways... In both my raw or cooked states…