Thursday, May 26, 2016

A New Day

"...When the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long
And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter, far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed, that with the sun's love in the spring becomes the rose."

This is my favourite verse from one of my favourite songs. "The Rose" by Bette Middler.

Sometimes the night has been too lonely, and road has been too long. I have wonders if love is only for the lucky and the strong. Then I remember that love does come again, it will come again. When the time, and the season, and all the conditions are right.

But I can feel a quiet confidence inside of me. It was a tiny ember that seemed to glow a little at first and I barely recognised it. It grew a little more each time I did something that made me feel like I was learning about who I am - and actually liking what it was I was learning about myself. 

I have recently read through some old letters that I sent to my exhusband when we were first going out, coupled with my diaries of the time. What I have learned is that I was a very interesting person. I was the sort of person I would have liked to be friends with, not only back them but even now.

I was highly social. I had a variety of things I did to fill in my spare time. I danced in nightclubs, I wrote poetry and took bush walks, I rode horses regularly, attended a gym, did volunteer work for the ambulance, and was often having friends to dinner or going to their place. This is the life of a person who is single and who is outgoing, and enjoys life. I found my personality in these letters. I have a good imagination, a sense of fun and wonder, and great sense of humour, I am sensitive, and caring, compassionate and loving, loyal, dependable, honourable and I have integrity. I can be tenacious/stubborn, which can be good and not so good, I hold opinions on things, and I am passionate. I defend the underdog, and I argue if I disagree. 

So fast forward 24 years and how has this changed. Patience has grow from next to none, to quite a lot. I'm still impulsive, so I need to learn to use my head in conjunction with my heart (being a parent has helped this improve). I have maintained a relatively poor social life, and my volunteer days fell by the wayside, as did my physical activity. There are lots of reasons why, but i don't want to dwell on that. What I want to look to is what can I do, right now to improve my life.

So I have taken up with the idea of being able to run 5km. I am using an app to go from couch to 5km - it's supposed to be in 8weeks... I'm laughing right now because I don't think that is likely at all, but I cannot tell you just how much I am enjoying moving my body again. How wonderful it feels to get your muscles warmed up and use them to power your body along a road. The strength I feel throughout the day aftewards astounds me and encourages me to do it all again tomorrow. I find myself grinning from ear to ear, and I even play my favourite running sons during the day so I can inspire myself to want to do it again tomorrow.

At this point a lot of women would still be bitter. I have been put through the wringer. But I don't feel bitter anymore. I feel grateful. Yes I do. I am grateful that I am no free to make decisions about me - for myself. I am grateful that my time is more or less my own, except for the time my kids need me. 

Oh what interesting souls I have been bless to raised. They are delightful to know. I love getting to know my kiss as they grow and learn. They are now 16 & 14. They are discovering relationships and how to navigate them, they are discovering how to manage their time and the consequences of that not happening... Their world is opening up for them, I don't know that they see their potential, but I sure do, and the world is their oyster. They are blessed with good health, great looks, and wonderful personalities and great characters.  I am incredibly proud of both of them.

So the ember is a small flame, I'm owning my life more and more, I'm owning who I am more and more, I'm standing and succeeding in knowing who I am and what I am worth and it feels very good.

So I look forward to the sentiments in this song (Feeling Good Michael Buble) playing out in my life:
"It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good
I'm feeling good" 

Take care