Sunday, April 10, 2016

When you can't sleep.


It was 1am. What to think about? Going back to sleep.

Ahhhh, but there is so much to do, so much to process, and so much to consider. 

I wonder how many people it has happened to - You wake up from a very clear dream and just know the answers. Your life is suddenly so clearly available to you. 

Most of all I try and focus on what a lovely time I had talking on the phone with a friend half the night...

Also, I'm remember the night before last I had awakened at 4am I knew my marriage had ended, it had been over for much longer than either of us were willing to admit to ourselves let alone to each other. I think for the past 3 years. It is sad, but only because any marriage that ends is sad.

New facts came to light under this new found confidence of knowledge from my dream. One of which is positive. I should trust my instincts, and I have a sound mind.

So I have new beginnings to look forward to. These will be scary, but also so very exciting. Life is an adventure, and if you can fill your thoughts with positive thoughts you just never know where they will lead you.

I am already grateful, though it's a bit wobbly from time to time, for the learning that will come from this experience. I wonder how many people are out in the world right now feeling what I am feeling, wondering at what I wonder at... Many would tell me I think too much, but I believe I seek to understand. From understanding, knowledge and wisdom grow. I sooooo do not want to get to the need of my life and find that I have gained little knowledge and wisdom. They are two different things...

Short-term there is just so much I want to get done, and there seems only the shortest amount of time to get it done, as I am also processing complex emotions. Loving my kids, and protecting them, helping them in what ever way I can to heal, though it would appear that the best way to help them would be to help myself become strong again. All the while battling, fear, mistrust, anxiety, and the greatest of these self-doubt, but also, there is much relief, relaxation, comfort, joy and love of good friends. I have even laughed throughout it all with my best friends. Oh how wonderful it is to know support. I have not had it before quite like this, and it feels so uplifting. Here's to not knowing... Scary and exciting all at the same time, but I truly believe the best is yet to come. xo

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