Friday, March 4, 2016

Rejection

In life, we travel this road.

Sometimes, we are so lucky to find friends and someone special that will travel it with us, and sometimes they are the love of our lives.

That love can be permanent in you, but can change for the other person, and when this happens one of two things usually happens. They leave you, or they treat you with rejection.

Rejection hurts, it hurts eveyone that has ever felt it. It is the basis of school yard hardship, it is the basis of teenage angst, and it is why some young men find it too hard to cope when a pretty girl says to a boy that he is not the one for her , right now, AND it is the basis for all separation and divorces.

That ache inside your heart that says "why don't they love me anymore?" "what is wrong with me?" And "how did this all go so WRONG?" There's are many many reasons why it went wrong, but ultimately rejection is at the core of the feelings. And it is excruciating to face.

Any mother who has held their child who is sobbing from the name calling they took at school will tell you how cruel rejection is, and look into her child's eyes and you will know how it feels.

It's a dull ache, that just doesn't pass away easily. When it's rejection from a marriage, it's insidious, cruel, malignant, and relentless. 

For those that are going through it, you know, that it is behind every distracted conversation you have, trying oh so hard to find a happy topic to find a brief moment of respite, you know it is a ruse. It is raw and it steals your smile. You look know that your whole world is upside down, and the places, and ways, that used to make you happy are not open to you anymore, and you have to find new ways, new places and new people to create your happiness again. It is so hard, and it hurts so much. 

You want to cry out "I am sorry" and you do, when you're alone. "I am so very sorry, for what I did and didn't do. I have lost my way and I cannot find my way back..

Rejection is insidious. It permeates every part of your day. It makes you feel lonely within a relationship, if you stay... How can one be rejected but also in a relationship? Ask any domestic violence victim. They felt the cold hard sting of emotional and or physical rejection, yet they stayed. They loved, they forgave, they did everything they could and somehow kept trying to do more. They know rejection. It is so incredibly difficult to have your significant other walk in at the end of the day and grunt at you by way of hello, or worse, to feel their bad mood as they open the door permeate throughout the house. You just KNOW, tonight is NOT going to be a good one. No matter how nice the dinner you made is, no matter how clean the house is or how well behaved the kids are... You KNOW tonight is not going to go well. You KNOW that the past few months/weeks/days of respite is coming to an end, and you will do ANYthing to stop that from happening... All the while KNOWing that you cannot possibly be perfect enough.

It doesn't matter, they HATE themselves, they hate everything they are, and you are "just" part of them, and extension of them. So they get to hate you too. They don't ask about your day, they just don't care. So caught up in their own hatred for themselves and their own life they are seeking to reject something in a tangible ay. So they reject YOU. They do it in so many ways, they are cold and don't talk, they might take themselves away from the dinner table and sit away from the family, or you might sleep in until 8am on a Sunday morning or because every Sunday for the past 3 weeks dinner has been a left overs night. Heaven for bid that they do one thing, just one thing that they don't want to. 

Yes, you learn to do anything it takes to stop them from getting upset. It is toxic. You are so afraid that they will reject you - you forget that you can reject them. You forget what it is like to feel free to do what you want to do. You forget how love is supposed feel supported, nurtured, and care FOR. You also forget that they need you, because you are their release of self-rejection. Then one day, they say or do something usually something big, something obvious that makes you wake up from your nightmare and you run. 

 You turn up on someone's doorstep and you are an emotional mess. In today's day and age, you are required to make the split as friendly as possible "for the kids" or to "keep the peace". What a cruel twist it is that you now HAVE to be nice, when before you didn't have to, but you were nice anyway...