Tuesday, January 29, 2013

A moment from the midst of the turmoil...

I feel like there is so much I want to tell you , but because I am stuck inside the drama I cannot get it out without sharing yet more personal information.

I am not sure if I am yet brave enough to just blurt it all out here... for the world to read, at anytime.

Today there is a scorching day outside and there are fires burning out of control in our state. Yet I cannot turn my mind to them.

I am up at times and down at others.

I know that if I give the negative too much attention, that is what I will bring into my life. If I concentrate on the positive then that is what I will bring into my life.

But how does one learn from ones mistakes, if not by investigating them, to see where things might have gone wrong.

So what do I want?

I want the past week to be rewound. I want to go back... and yet because I have faith that everything happens for the best, I have to look to the future, while just living for now. Pushing through the days as one pushes a bogged car whose engine won't start... digging the mud and putting down the wood to give it some grip.

There is a difficulty separating one crisis from another, and there is a long way to go yet.

Does it need to be a long time though? Or does it need to take a long time, to be sure of my decisions and feelings?

Of course, there isn't just me involved. I have to wait for the other party to work out their stuff too. Five years of habits can be hard to break.

Humans are by their very nature habitual, so am I hoping for too much?

The funeral is tomorrow, so maybe something will click into place then.

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