Wednesday, July 3, 2013

The worst Day - 6 months on

That last post was 6 months and one half day ago. (Written on 03 July 2013)

My life got even worse after that, can you believe it? Not even 8 hours after I wrote that I was in my bathroom calling 000 for my own husband, and had to have the ambulance take him to hospital. His heart was fluttering, brought on by an anxiety attack... I had caught him in a deceit... One that rocked the very foundation of our marriage, and ultimately my own foundation.

This means that I cannot separate my grief. My grief for L passing away and my grief for my marriage. 

So I had to re-establish my by own foundation. How could I help my kids through this awful time? I had to be strong, but how do you be strong if you have NO foundation? None. I was stripped bare and broken, I was in pieces, crumbly fragile pieces...

I don't even know how or why I told people what was going on, but I did tell F and she said "only God can put this back together, we want this marriage to work, and we need divine intervention". She was right, she got me to read a book "The Power of a Praying Wife", and to pray the prayers contained within. Then news filtered through the grapevine and I get a private message on Facebook from another friend T. She tells me she's been there and done that too, here read this book "ACT with Love"... Acceptance commitment therapy. These two books changed the direction in which I was headed, changed my feelings and changed my ability to cope, and brought out my original me. Wow! That was no small feat! God truly was working a miracle in my life... Well not just one miracle really but lots of them.

See I am by nature a happy, bubbly sort of person. Always looking on the bright side of life, and finding the silver lining... There is always one there somewhere, but at my darkest moments I had lost the ability to find it. I had lost so much of what was me. I spent my life trying to rescue those close to me, yet forgot to rescue myself. I've got to remember to put on my own gas mask first, before helping those around me.

Today I think of L, of how her little family seems to be coping, or at least getting through her not being there. It's still not easy. There is not a day that passes that I don't think of her, or her kids. I got their ages wrong they were 16, 13, and 10 (I hope I've got that right now).  There have been milestones to get through, and I don't see them getting any easier. I'm watching quietly and waiting, just in the background, ready to help, or lend an ear. I hope they know that. I hope they know that just because I'm not in their face about it so much now, that I am still here, and I've got my act together now, so I really can be a support.

I think of how much has changed in my marriage, and how much hasn't and I wonder what the future holds. We had weeks, then months of yelling and talking and fighting, and yelling and talking at, to and with each other. Are we stronger together today? Well compared to the worst day, yes, are we strong like we used to be? I'm not sure yet, its all too soon, and yet its been an entire lifetime! Why is time like that? 

So today I have more questions than answers, but I'm less fearful, because I truly believe that there are small miracles being worked everywhere I look, just like the song that's playing here while I sit and type this in an airport... "Summer Paradise" Gymclass Heros.... How on earth do I remember this song? Well last year for my sons birthday party,