Saturday, November 30, 2013

This too shall pass.

Ok, so it's been a few months, and each month I feel like I am taking 3 steps forward and 2 steps back, but that's progress isn't it? ... Yes, indeed it is.

As I get to know myself all over again.
As I learn there is so much good in me, and I don't have to get it right ALL of the time.

Not whispering "I might be wrong" in the dark of night to myself, fearing ridicule, from myself or any other who might hear it, but to bravely state it at the outset.

As I understand my intuition is rarely wrong, and my conscience is clear, based in love.

I grow and I learn, and I learn as I grow.

Things are slowly and gradually improving. So I will quietly whisper "yay" and express my gratitude to those of you who are sharing my journey. Thank you for your patience, thank you for your support, and thank you for taking the time to read this :-)

That's all I've got to say really (for now anyway).

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

The worst Day - 6 months on

That last post was 6 months and one half day ago. (Written on 03 July 2013)

My life got even worse after that, can you believe it? Not even 8 hours after I wrote that I was in my bathroom calling 000 for my own husband, and had to have the ambulance take him to hospital. His heart was fluttering, brought on by an anxiety attack... I had caught him in a deceit... One that rocked the very foundation of our marriage, and ultimately my own foundation.

This means that I cannot separate my grief. My grief for L passing away and my grief for my marriage. 

So I had to re-establish my by own foundation. How could I help my kids through this awful time? I had to be strong, but how do you be strong if you have NO foundation? None. I was stripped bare and broken, I was in pieces, crumbly fragile pieces...

I don't even know how or why I told people what was going on, but I did tell F and she said "only God can put this back together, we want this marriage to work, and we need divine intervention". She was right, she got me to read a book "The Power of a Praying Wife", and to pray the prayers contained within. Then news filtered through the grapevine and I get a private message on Facebook from another friend T. She tells me she's been there and done that too, here read this book "ACT with Love"... Acceptance commitment therapy. These two books changed the direction in which I was headed, changed my feelings and changed my ability to cope, and brought out my original me. Wow! That was no small feat! God truly was working a miracle in my life... Well not just one miracle really but lots of them.

See I am by nature a happy, bubbly sort of person. Always looking on the bright side of life, and finding the silver lining... There is always one there somewhere, but at my darkest moments I had lost the ability to find it. I had lost so much of what was me. I spent my life trying to rescue those close to me, yet forgot to rescue myself. I've got to remember to put on my own gas mask first, before helping those around me.

Today I think of L, of how her little family seems to be coping, or at least getting through her not being there. It's still not easy. There is not a day that passes that I don't think of her, or her kids. I got their ages wrong they were 16, 13, and 10 (I hope I've got that right now).  There have been milestones to get through, and I don't see them getting any easier. I'm watching quietly and waiting, just in the background, ready to help, or lend an ear. I hope they know that. I hope they know that just because I'm not in their face about it so much now, that I am still here, and I've got my act together now, so I really can be a support.

I think of how much has changed in my marriage, and how much hasn't and I wonder what the future holds. We had weeks, then months of yelling and talking and fighting, and yelling and talking at, to and with each other. Are we stronger together today? Well compared to the worst day, yes, are we strong like we used to be? I'm not sure yet, its all too soon, and yet its been an entire lifetime! Why is time like that? 

So today I have more questions than answers, but I'm less fearful, because I truly believe that there are small miracles being worked everywhere I look, just like the song that's playing here while I sit and type this in an airport... "Summer Paradise" Gymclass Heros.... How on earth do I remember this song? Well last year for my sons birthday party, 

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

A moment from the midst of the turmoil...

I feel like there is so much I want to tell you , but because I am stuck inside the drama I cannot get it out without sharing yet more personal information.

I am not sure if I am yet brave enough to just blurt it all out here... for the world to read, at anytime.

Today there is a scorching day outside and there are fires burning out of control in our state. Yet I cannot turn my mind to them.

I am up at times and down at others.

I know that if I give the negative too much attention, that is what I will bring into my life. If I concentrate on the positive then that is what I will bring into my life.

But how does one learn from ones mistakes, if not by investigating them, to see where things might have gone wrong.

So what do I want?

I want the past week to be rewound. I want to go back... and yet because I have faith that everything happens for the best, I have to look to the future, while just living for now. Pushing through the days as one pushes a bogged car whose engine won't start... digging the mud and putting down the wood to give it some grip.

There is a difficulty separating one crisis from another, and there is a long way to go yet.

Does it need to be a long time though? Or does it need to take a long time, to be sure of my decisions and feelings?

Of course, there isn't just me involved. I have to wait for the other party to work out their stuff too. Five years of habits can be hard to break.

Humans are by their very nature habitual, so am I hoping for too much?

The funeral is tomorrow, so maybe something will click into place then.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

To YOU xo

(Written about a week after the worst day) I saw your family today. It's not real to them yet, but it's slowly changing...  they looked well by the way. We didn't stay long, just dropped a few things off.

So I was driving to our friends place, crossed over the creek that we followed to your backyard. Suddenly I felt you, and I cried. Suddenly it seemed a little too much.

You're ok, I get that. I'm actually happy about that. There is a small piece of joy.

I'm not that great - I'm mad. Today I am really angry.

I was supposed to get the chance to know you better. I knew you enough to know that we would have been good friends. I feel robbed.

So I have decided to take my anger out on my house. It's sparkling clean now (thank you). I took advantage of my energy this morning and went to the harbour had a lovely breakfast and walk with my daughter. It was so lovely.

I have decided to not go slowly into these new friendships - I am jumping in both feet - risking it all... why? because I couldn't cope if I lost the chance again - like I did with you.

Hey - you did such a great job with your kids, and your hubby gives you 100% of the credit. We, the villagers will gather around your family now, and we will help hold them up - when they get stuck we will be there.

Your hubby and kids are staying at your folks place, your folks are really feeling it. I think they were surprised by our visit, but they were all so grateful.

The school is looking after everyone - we are so blessed to have made the decision to send the kids there - coz that's where they met, and they care so much about the well-being of the kids.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Sometimes it just sucks

I've hit a bump. It's a bloody mountain actually.

Last night I had a lovely night getting to know the mother of one of my son's friends. You know the group of really great mates that all get along - they niggle each other sometimes, but generally get along - and more surprisingly - ALL the parents get along REALLY well.

It's one my list of improvements of this year to get to know them all better, as the kids friendships develop so do the friendships I have with the other mothers.

Today as I am starting to go through my son's room (overhaulling really) I receive the oddest phone call from the lady I and my daughter shared  dinner and movies with last night.... she says she NOT ok... "what's wrong" I ask - she says she just got a call from one of the boys Dad's - his wife is in hospital, she's had a brain aneurysm and they are going to turn off the life support in about an hours time...


I need a moment to process this information. I could tell she's not joking, though my first thoughts are this CAN'T be real. WHAT can I do to HELP???  We have a short discussion about what's best - staying away to allow the family space - or intruding and letting them know we care...

Based on times in the past when I have chosen to stay away - or to not say anything - I said.... "I'd rather regret going than regret not going"

All I could think of was my son's best friend sitting at the hospital and thinking he and his family were going through this in a cocoon... I checked with my son - he said he thought it was best if he could go to his friend and offer support.

So that's what we did.

She had had a 15 hour surgery and today around noon they turned off the life support for her. She leaves behind a shocked and grief stricken husband , a 17yo, 13yo, (boys)  and 9yo girl.

She was a '67 baby - so 44/45.

I'm gutted.

She was such a vibrant woman. She was an extrovert, sweet and loving. She was fun. She was the sort that fretted over how the house looked, she had ambitions, and she knew how to laugh - my how we laughed. That very first phone call lasted for about an hour and a half and we laughed and talked. I don't remember what about but we seemed to have a LOT in common.

The last phone call was her thanking me for such a lovely text message, and wishing us all the best for the new year too. We had her son here the night before New Years and he had an impromptu sleep over. Something that happens a lot amongst us all really, the start off as a play date and they end up sleeping over wherever they are. No one seems to mind, or if it's not convenient - then that's ok too - we all can say no to each other and its OK!

Just last night I was talking with one of the other Mums in the group about how nice it is that we all get along. Just how lucky we are... sure we were whinging about stuff, but we were better by dessert :-) .

Today as my son walked into that hospital and dropped my hand and sat by his friend and offered his company outside the intensive care room. I have never felt more helpless, or so lost, or so proud of them all 4 boys. Such a private time, such a private matter.  I was worried about turning up - what right did I have to be there... well I thought to myself  "if I was her what would I want for my son?" the answer was simple then... I would want my son to have people who loved him to be around him. These boys are great kids and great mates, and they are all like nephews to me so I quietly stood/sat and waited for the time that was appropriate to leave.

I chose not to see her at the last, mostly because others who had seen her said she didn't look like herself, it was extremely challenging and I felt like I just wanted to remember her beautiful laughing voice, and stunningly gorgeous smile in my mind for forever.

MB chose not to see her either - he was going to go in - but then changed his mind. He is very sad, he really liked her, and death is a new thing to him. It's all a bit surreal for him, and he is such a deep thinker, I suspect it will take a few days for it to really sink in. He's cranky and he's not sure about all these big emotions inside him, just yet but he knew he wanted to support his mate, and he wanted to do it in his way (is it ok that I'm fiercely proud of his choices?). He's 13.

I want to honour her by living happily, and having fun.
I want to tell the world, but to also protect her identity - so I haven't used names here.

So this year was supposed to be a better year than last - so far it's NOT, but do you know it WAS going so well, I'm going to use these strong emotions I have right now to continue forth to a brighter and better year.

So how do I feel?

I feel like yelling at the world, I feel like getting drunk. I feel worried about her kids and her husband, and how over the next few months or so they will cope. Financially this will make a huge difference to them, and I pray they can stay in our school, coz right now more than ever the kids need to be around their good friends.
I am angry as all hell, this shouldn't be happening - least of all to this beautiful family. Yeh, I get the reminder idea, I get the idea that we shouldn't take stuff for granted, and that we should be grateful for everything - but I didn't NEED this big a reminder - a tap on the shoulder every now and then is enough.

It was only 7 years ago I lost an acquaintance in a similar fashion - that was enough of a reminder for me.

This is UNbelievable.

I just can't take my feelings away from the kids and hubby - but for a moment - I'd like to mention that both her parents are alive - and they just looked lost, upset, confused and grief stricken too, no one is supposed to outlive their children.

There are no words to ease the pain, there are no words or actions to FIX the problem - I am lost and sad and mad as hell.

That's all I have for you right now - the tears have come and gone, come and gone, come and gone - my nose is blocked past the point of breathing through it.